Going so good

My proZac has taken affect. I feel so “normal” – the mistakes I made whilst not myself and my past issues are all that remain of that monstrous person i had become once more.

Lots of therapy ahead of me. Finally I think I’m ready for it.

Is self awareness my burden to bare?

The answer is most unequivocally absolutely.

The burden of proof for a seemingly uneducated, but not unintelligent latchkey kid with severe stress, anxiety, emotional dysfunction and whatever else someone with a degree says I am…..is mammoth.

I am self aware. I have always been self aware. I had never understood why the things that happened throughout my entire existence have happened….why am I like this?

It wasn’t until I became a mother at 20 that I truly was able to accept what happened to me and my siblings for what seems like my entire life. That baby changed my life in more ways u could imagine. I realised very quickly I was becoming my parents and that made me face the truth.

The truth was, I was so severely affected by child abuse, domestic violence and all the ramifications that came along with being part of it, witnessing it, that I was damaged….the very intrinsic good nature I started out with was chipped away piece by piece, over 34 years or more with countless negative events. Don’t get me wrong I have happy memories but sometimes it’s a struggle to draw upon them as they are often marred by the fact that I forgave my parents on a technicality.

I learnt so much about the subject of welfare and social justice that I came to recognise things in myself, my parents, their friends, our family unit as a whole …. Both in past and present.

Thing is at 17 I was diagnosed with some kind of mood disorder and was prescribed prozac. It was wonderful. I was physically unable to express anger in any other way other than the natural healthy way that a well adjusted human being does. Cept it made me feel like nothing. No dex drive. No happy, no sad, no nothing. I was average at best. But my mind was solid as was my awesome and well adjusted behaviour.

I have just recently gone back on prozac, after a very very long period of time largely without it. It was discussed that I had bi polar. It just hasn’t sit right with me since the doctor suggested it. Two actually.

In the last several months, I had been on the path of destruction. Not only of myself but everything and everyone i touched or held closest to my heart.
I have said and done things to my beautiful partner that no man like him should ever have to go through, not should my kids should have even had a whisper of any anger in my home.

😦

As I began having these little “moments of clarity”, “good days and bad days”, remembered in pieces mind you, that I’m actually aware of what I’m doing and I set into action.
I started back on prozac. 20mg then 40mg oh my god!!!! Why wasn’t it working?!?! Could I actually have bi polar?

A couple weeks back I upped my dose with the permission of my doctor to 60mg – this clinic prescribed this for me when I was, by old school caring doctors who know my history and upbringing, my mum and both my kids.

60mg has worked well enough for me to actually feel like I am back to “normal” me. I know if I up it again, the memory of that product of environment and life time of grief monster arsehole of a person, will be nothing but a tool to move forward, a memory that I’ll hopefully continue to draw upon to ensure I stay – this me…..forever.

After everything I’ve done an said the last few months, I know this damage is not irreparable….I know that people are safe in my home. How do I know this? 20 years of controlling this monster in me, cause I hate it so so much – it’s not who I am….it’s not who I want to be. I broke the pattern once and I can do it again.

I can be a happy well adjusted woman, a mother, sister, girlfriend, Aunty and friend but because of the damage I have caused in the hurricane that has been my life since my ex husband brought a reign of devastation, I now have to prove myself to services I voluntarily entered into, so that I’m supported in case I get worse…..IN CASE, I get worse.

I knew I wasn’t going to but I was frightened, how was I to know really? I only knew prozac wasn’t working the way it had done for over half my life, so it must be what they say it is…..but I knew nothing about bi polar, well nothing more than basic text book stuff…so I started lookin into it.

I was so frightened about what I might do as I was seemingly unpredictable, I was so debilitated by so, so many negative events and one thing on top of another, on top of another, on top of another…..that I didn’t wanna lose it and black out and find myself “standing over my children with a pillow.”
I know the difference between right and wrong! I love my children more than life itself and I would never ever ever ever hurt them more than I already had done by my angry words…..but I used the pillow thing as a way to explain the brevity of my seemingly fast downward spiral to workers who I chose to refer myself to.

Nobody is going to believe that this change is real, that the prozac has done the job it’s supposed to. That I WANT extensive therapy for a lifetime of emotional injustices and trauma…..no agency, mother of my “stepchild”, father of my babies or are going to believe me unless I give them categorical proof that I don’t believe j have bi polar and I will soon have no need for a worker, hopefully.

They want a diagnosis or they want proof that I’m ok. Not just the workers, but my beautiful partner and his ex wife and family. She saw 1 snippet of a monster who treated the father of her child like a monster would and decided that I was not fit for her daughter to be here with me. As a mother I understand, but how do j get this proof?
Proof is in the pudding? No I don’t think so, well not wholly anyway, I need to prove an entire history, show a future plan and carry on with a broken life as if it’s only happened to other people. Well that’s how I feel as I write these words anyway.

I’m not afraid to gets this proof. I want to, I need to prove myself. Not only to ease the burden for others but I need it for me to move forward and get the therapy I need, the multi disciplinary approach im looking for, which I can get but at $900 a day. Otherwise I have to have a diagnosis first from 1 seperate person under an item 291 in order to get advocacy from a worker to enter as a public patient to start recovering.

How is 1 doctor going to diagnose 34+ years of horrid in 1 or 2 sessions? They won’t. It’s complex. I don’t believe I have bi polar, I believe I have a mental illness, I believe I have a generalised mood disorder that affects my temper, as per my original diagnosis. Couple that with severe stress, anxiety and the endless series of events that triggered all of this in the first place and bam! Instant monster.

I know prozac is working, but nobody is listening. I have to start making phone calls and gathering my proof to ease this burden a little more. Unfair? Yes? Deserved? Yes and no.

I am in control of my faculties now…… I know I’ve hurt people, but why won’t anyone hear me? Why won’t people stop punishing me for the things I’ve said and done, when I wasn’t in control when I did them?

Burden of proof is hard when ur only one of three people who believe in u.
My family is my motivation.

My beautiful partner and our amazing blended family.

I dunno what to do

I just asked my extremely, now seemingly supportive partner for the space I need to get better as he and his 5 year old almost new editions 9 months have to not be here all the time now. They moved in, they’re my triggers. I realised today.
His reaction was immediately to cry and get the what about me’s despite the fact nothing will change but me for the better they can still stay over just not live here. I wil not get better. I need to do what’s right by my children to be happy and harmonious and because of his issues and his daughters issues plus my issues is turning my littlest so far without disorders like her big sister who’s 17 and had a hard life, sounds selfish but I finally had the opportunity to raise a child without 10 years of cbt and reports and integration discrimination etc etc. my little human who is 4 suffering severely by my state and having abandonment issues cause I temp stopped week in week off with their dad because it was uninhabitable for a child. All that has hurt my babies and his baby is a mean bully and now Emma is ever angry when theyre here and so lovely when they’re not. Talking to my kids today was all I needed to know it was the right thing.
I was his forest through the trees for the first 4 months of us and I put up with a lot but I believed in him and I waited. We finally became us and 1 part of us broke, me. I love him so much but why won’t he understand or believe when I say when I’m better he’s back. It’s only for max 3 months and he’s round the corner he can come anytime and her. I dunno what to do should I just end it

Meh + grrr + naaaaw + sniff + umm = ?

2 really massively significant things that my partner did this week that really fucked me off, made me feel every gammit of shit that I am and made me question our entire life planned relationship for serious. No matter how in love with him I am.

You’d think that’s the answer to the puzzling equationy title, but no!

Meh + grrr + naaaaw + sniff + umm =
More fucked off because I was mullin last nights issue over and I thought well, Ive tried with him, I don’t wanna put our personal issues public, who does that!? He has double standards and is allowed to speak his best mates Bout wat to do, but should I mention I’m conflicted and need to talk to a mate? Yeah nah we don’t do that.

So I thought I’d get it out here, on the way out the door with my phone after I grabbed a ciggie, I thought ooh I might grab the pack just in case this post takes ages for me to actually write. Wouldn’t yA know it! I completely fucking forgot what last nights issue was! It was the most significant thing I needed to get off my chest cause it was the 2nd game changer this week!
I mean this fella is hard work also, like u wouldn’t believe but we’re like the characters in unbreakable. I’m Samuel l Jackson and he is Bruce Willis (well from the ears up I always say) we just exist and are madly in love.
So for me to think game changer after everything I have let him put on me, Yep u heard it put on me and put on me and put on me. I put up with it because a) I love him b) sometimes it’s fun to toy with him, he’ll debate it but I am smarter and wiser than plus I it really is fun to toy with him and c) it’s been 9 months now of him knowing my disorder and the last 4 months having to deal with the seemingly quick escalation. He is still here because he loves me.

Now what the fuck kind of disorder can suddenly make something sooooo significant to actually potentially want break up for really this time, suddenly disappear?!?! It’s fascinating but fuck my life.
Nothin left of the issue but the feelin that there was an issue, now I’ll fuckin analyse everything he does and it will drive me to full fucktard cunt of a thing that I am in 5 seconds. Fuck. I hope I don’t remember. I dunno what’s worse now. :/