Is self awareness my burden to bare?

The answer is most unequivocally absolutely.

The burden of proof for a seemingly uneducated, but not unintelligent latchkey kid with severe stress, anxiety, emotional dysfunction and whatever else someone with a degree says I am…..is mammoth.

I am self aware. I have always been self aware. I had never understood why the things that happened throughout my entire existence have happened….why am I like this?

It wasn’t until I became a mother at 20 that I truly was able to accept what happened to me and my siblings for what seems like my entire life. That baby changed my life in more ways u could imagine. I realised very quickly I was becoming my parents and that made me face the truth.

The truth was, I was so severely affected by child abuse, domestic violence and all the ramifications that came along with being part of it, witnessing it, that I was damaged….the very intrinsic good nature I started out with was chipped away piece by piece, over 34 years or more with countless negative events. Don’t get me wrong I have happy memories but sometimes it’s a struggle to draw upon them as they are often marred by the fact that I forgave my parents on a technicality.

I learnt so much about the subject of welfare and social justice that I came to recognise things in myself, my parents, their friends, our family unit as a whole …. Both in past and present.

Thing is at 17 I was diagnosed with some kind of mood disorder and was prescribed prozac. It was wonderful. I was physically unable to express anger in any other way other than the natural healthy way that a well adjusted human being does. Cept it made me feel like nothing. No dex drive. No happy, no sad, no nothing. I was average at best. But my mind was solid as was my awesome and well adjusted behaviour.

I have just recently gone back on prozac, after a very very long period of time largely without it. It was discussed that I had bi polar. It just hasn’t sit right with me since the doctor suggested it. Two actually.

In the last several months, I had been on the path of destruction. Not only of myself but everything and everyone i touched or held closest to my heart.
I have said and done things to my beautiful partner that no man like him should ever have to go through, not should my kids should have even had a whisper of any anger in my home.

😦

As I began having these little “moments of clarity”, “good days and bad days”, remembered in pieces mind you, that I’m actually aware of what I’m doing and I set into action.
I started back on prozac. 20mg then 40mg oh my god!!!! Why wasn’t it working?!?! Could I actually have bi polar?

A couple weeks back I upped my dose with the permission of my doctor to 60mg – this clinic prescribed this for me when I was, by old school caring doctors who know my history and upbringing, my mum and both my kids.

60mg has worked well enough for me to actually feel like I am back to “normal” me. I know if I up it again, the memory of that product of environment and life time of grief monster arsehole of a person, will be nothing but a tool to move forward, a memory that I’ll hopefully continue to draw upon to ensure I stay – this me…..forever.

After everything I’ve done an said the last few months, I know this damage is not irreparable….I know that people are safe in my home. How do I know this? 20 years of controlling this monster in me, cause I hate it so so much – it’s not who I am….it’s not who I want to be. I broke the pattern once and I can do it again.

I can be a happy well adjusted woman, a mother, sister, girlfriend, Aunty and friend but because of the damage I have caused in the hurricane that has been my life since my ex husband brought a reign of devastation, I now have to prove myself to services I voluntarily entered into, so that I’m supported in case I get worse…..IN CASE, I get worse.

I knew I wasn’t going to but I was frightened, how was I to know really? I only knew prozac wasn’t working the way it had done for over half my life, so it must be what they say it is…..but I knew nothing about bi polar, well nothing more than basic text book stuff…so I started lookin into it.

I was so frightened about what I might do as I was seemingly unpredictable, I was so debilitated by so, so many negative events and one thing on top of another, on top of another, on top of another…..that I didn’t wanna lose it and black out and find myself “standing over my children with a pillow.”
I know the difference between right and wrong! I love my children more than life itself and I would never ever ever ever hurt them more than I already had done by my angry words…..but I used the pillow thing as a way to explain the brevity of my seemingly fast downward spiral to workers who I chose to refer myself to.

Nobody is going to believe that this change is real, that the prozac has done the job it’s supposed to. That I WANT extensive therapy for a lifetime of emotional injustices and trauma…..no agency, mother of my “stepchild”, father of my babies or are going to believe me unless I give them categorical proof that I don’t believe j have bi polar and I will soon have no need for a worker, hopefully.

They want a diagnosis or they want proof that I’m ok. Not just the workers, but my beautiful partner and his ex wife and family. She saw 1 snippet of a monster who treated the father of her child like a monster would and decided that I was not fit for her daughter to be here with me. As a mother I understand, but how do j get this proof?
Proof is in the pudding? No I don’t think so, well not wholly anyway, I need to prove an entire history, show a future plan and carry on with a broken life as if it’s only happened to other people. Well that’s how I feel as I write these words anyway.

I’m not afraid to gets this proof. I want to, I need to prove myself. Not only to ease the burden for others but I need it for me to move forward and get the therapy I need, the multi disciplinary approach im looking for, which I can get but at $900 a day. Otherwise I have to have a diagnosis first from 1 seperate person under an item 291 in order to get advocacy from a worker to enter as a public patient to start recovering.

How is 1 doctor going to diagnose 34+ years of horrid in 1 or 2 sessions? They won’t. It’s complex. I don’t believe I have bi polar, I believe I have a mental illness, I believe I have a generalised mood disorder that affects my temper, as per my original diagnosis. Couple that with severe stress, anxiety and the endless series of events that triggered all of this in the first place and bam! Instant monster.

I know prozac is working, but nobody is listening. I have to start making phone calls and gathering my proof to ease this burden a little more. Unfair? Yes? Deserved? Yes and no.

I am in control of my faculties now…… I know I’ve hurt people, but why won’t anyone hear me? Why won’t people stop punishing me for the things I’ve said and done, when I wasn’t in control when I did them?

Burden of proof is hard when ur only one of three people who believe in u.
My family is my motivation.

My beautiful partner and our amazing blended family.

Advertisements

3 comments

  1. Take heart, Lola. The angry monster is NOT part of your nature. It is a symptom. You can’t expect yourself to ‘control’ it. Only medication can control it. And at least now you’re seeing a positive result with the Prozac. I too have had major issues with my aggression. I tried to control it but it would just snap without me even realising it was lurking in the background. Medication has made the difference. I understand your dilemma about how to prove to people you are changing. Unfortunately it takes time. As was pointed out to me just the other day – people are judging me on my past history of aggression because that’s how they know me. Only time can change that, and I also think communication. Maybe tell your partner – you know in the past I would have blown up about that, but this time my behaviour was different, did you notice? I dunno, something like that.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s