This is gonna be a long one sorry, but it’s important for me to say it, so just keep outwardly judgments and immediate assumptions to a minimum thanks 😛 (that part was for family and friends on fb where I’m also posting this apart from this blog, who have a shit attitude toward mental health and parenting and their stupid one eyed opinions.)
Seriously though, today was the most anxious I’ve ever felt and if ya know what I’ve been going through, then today was a killer for me.
The stigma and attitudes attached to mental illness and an individual’s need for support, whatever type of support that may be, are already hard enough to manage, chuck a family services worker into the mix and that is another stigma unto itself.
Feelings of fear, failure, shame and guilt just to name a few, quickly ensue after u hear the words family services, dhs, child protection and immediately you feel like it’s the end of the world, failure as a parent, it’s one of the worst feelings you can imagine.
Family services involvement doesn’t always denote you’re a shit as parent who needs intervention. Family services clients are not always clients ordered by a court, or any other body to attend compulsory appointments, to learn to properly care for a family who are not in a good way.
Sometimes great parents and amazing people fail…..Whether the reason is because of an event or series of events in their own lives, whether it’s because of patterns of behaviour or whether it’s because you have a mental disorder, whatever……none or all of the above, when u go without treatment, it makes life somewhat unlivable for everyone and learned behaviour specifically? Well, you never unlearn that, u only ever learn to curb it and replace it with new behaviour….hopefully it’s the behaviour that u already naturally possess and actually want to be expressing cause all you wanna be is an amazing person, a steadfast and compassionate parent and to quote my gorgeous partner, “to leave the world a better place for our kids”
Individuals lucky enough to be able to acknowledge, learn about and articulate their issues are able to access some great services which can be very confusing, confronting and without proper support, guidance and understanding, virtually impossible to access in order to see any light at the end of the tunnel.
I am fortunate enough to be in this case, that lucky individual. With the bit of knowledge n self awareness I have left and the amazing support of my partner, family and friends. Today’s appointment was the best thing I could ever do for my family, my children.
Of course I explained my anxiety and fears attached to their visit with me to them, why I made the decision myself to engage a family services worker, it was only then, I realised that there is no stigma here for me, there is no reason to be fearful, I’m not that shit as parent or person who hurts people on purpose.
I made a choice a very long time not to follow the footsteps of my parents abusive ways towards my siblings and I…… I loved my parents, my mum was my best friend, they’re dead now and I don’t have any resolve for the trauma they caused me, because according to their flippancy it never happened like that, I can forgive them for feeling that way, why? Because I learned very early on that maybe they themselves could not control their penchant for the beltings and the verbal abuse as they may have suffered it themselves, they may have had a disorder. It was the 80s that shit didn’t get discussed.
No they are not the cause of my disorder nor do I blame them, my entire life’s series of events most of which not cool some of which awesome have finally culminated and who I have found myself to be again, is the person I was taught to be and I refuse again to be that person. Who I am is someone who is suffering quite severely from a change in behaviour in all aspects of my life, not just in the family home and that’s due to what is believed to be now bipolar, possibly even schizophrenia….who would have thought. Im terrified.
The prozac just ain’t cuttin it anymore and after 20 years of managing my mood disorder with prozac and proud to say the last 8 or 9 years wholly just with mah good wits 😉 quite the challenge u can imagine…..I’m afraid I might lose control of my faculties and I need to make sure that doesn’t happen. I absolutely know and understand and have endured that side of a shit as parent who should have had their kids taken away from them…..I lived that, because of that I refuse to live it again, through the eyes of my children. My children, my family are the reason I said, please help me stay on track.
So now I’m not coping with old tools that aren’t working anymore. I have a caring, non judgmental advocate for me and my family on my side, helping me until I can get to my end game. Diagnosis and then the beginning of a liveable life.
My name is possibly bi polar lola, I’m afraid of what’s ahead but consoled by what’s ahead of that.
Oh by the way. This got way to personal and ranty to post on facey. I want people to take me seriously and I’m not ready for judgement just yet, but advocacy and championing for these causes is what I do. I’m not ashamed or feel embarrassed by what’s happening to me, only by my actions against others and myself. Mental illness is real, the contributing factors are endless. I will shout it from the rooftops but when I can do it more succinctly heheheh