I just had a thought. I’ve read about mapping your moods throughout the day for a certain period of time and whilst I havent been doing that, I have been keepin as good a mental note as I can.
It seems if I go to bed neither High nor Low, optimistic yet worried to shit…seemingly meh and I wake up and am in a great mood and I do something that makes my partner crack the shits like I did this morning, I got into a foul mood, but still maintained my happy because I knew that my prozac would stop me from being a mean cunt to everyone, he would have copped it from me this morning, calling him all sorts of names and my 4 year old would have gotten scared as in the past. But again, thanks to Prozac (and myself) I was able to maintain my happy yet zombie like equilibrium.
It dawned on me – the days this has happened before, these are the days I end up on an incredible high, I get shit done, I’m super focused, I get organised and Things are amazing. I know how happy I am, I know I am supported and I know no matter what happens “This too shall pass” (#blahblahpolar) sorry I dont know how to tag other bloggers in this, I hope that was right!
I’m going to look into mapping my moods, as I dont quite yet understand the symptoms of Bipolar in their entirety and with my already pre exisiting penchant for rage swings which over 20 years was wholly fixed by medication or my awesome self awareness when I didnt need the meds.
From what I know already, all of the times I have needed to have xanax and prozac for even 6 months or less, I have had an event to trigger the need for meds. I work through the event and bang! event specific anxiety/rage goes away (well, it will never go away unfortunately) but I deal.
I am on my 4th event so for 20 years thats pretty good after initial diagnoses of just being fucked in the head temper wise. This last event, or series of events has exacerbated the preexisting condition or has it? Have I always had potential Bipolar and just been so mild that people just think im overly happy, optimistic, naive and “ready to punch on” for a mate cause thats who I intrinsically am? Cause as long a the temper was ok – I was learned enough to control my behaviour and emotions. I think back and I think maybe I have had it a long time, past behaviours…dangerous, overspending, everything I have openly been lately – I have always been, just married to someone who didnt really give a shit about anything else but the rage and I’ve always been so busy getting my biggest human her psychiatric help that I didnt even think I had an issue….hind sight is a funny thing
Tangent I know, but this is who I am today – – I feel like this is the best me, I like it. The only thing prozac is not doing is stopping the horrible ebbs n flows – the quickness between these I loathe, but I love the flows….I’m gonna get so much important shit done today. Only thing is Im finding it very very hard to reign in my adlkhf;aoweiruaokdjfadjhfa;osdfhao;df talking at people, this is where the valium helped after initially helping with the rage til proz kicked in….I dont have any left and I’m not sure the doctor will give me more,…….the progress of this damn diagnosis is another blog – ooh possibly for later if I have time…..oktime to get off my arse and shower….ooh I feel like showering! Thats off to a great start!
if anyone has any recommendations for mood mapping that isnt too hard for me to comprehend, please do share. I love reading your blogs….I’ve never had a blog where I’ve had anyone actually follow me or comment so thanks to those who do read this blog as few as you are….you dont know what it means to me knowing you guys are out there!
signed currently ever optimistic Possibly Bipolar Lola
Have a crackin day yall