The claytons post

i know I sound like a know it all, but dead set – I am one self aware mother fucker.

Unfortunately, this time round (round 14,056) the damage was immeasurable, you see the formative years are over for the biggest litle human – she is 17……

I have actually become what I set out to learn not to be, all those years ago……I know I can repair it, I have always known, but that is no excuse to keep on doing it….. I’m humbled by that feeling……because my daughter is showing herself to be more and more like me everyday, It is, and by the grace of my parents hands and my learning as a result that she is learning to accept it and learning to live with it, learning to fully understand it, just like I chose to but to her own reasoning, in her own time and to her own and conclusion.

*I know she is the Cats mother but I’m too scared to use names right now.

I expect, like as is for me, my daughter will probably spend a lifetime never quite forgetting certain significant events, I’m so proud that after many years of assessments, workers etc…..she has finally gone from using her disorders as a crutch, to understanding her behaviour and BAM! years of CBT kicks in….Now I’m on the mend, fuck It’s amazing, fuck I love her to tears – happy tears…

It’s generally my belief that she was deemed as “the naughty kid whos fucked in the head” the judgement was mostly hasty and for the most part unjust…MY GOD it made me mad! Nobody took me seriously, except the professionals and even then it took a threat of suicide at 9 to get THEM to listen……….Yes she was also your typical pain the arse kid too, absofrigginlutely……but I always felt the difference, I saw the difference and I took action very early on in the piece cause I, at her age for whatever amazing reason was blessed with an inkling I spose and a fascination in people….. Patterns of behaviour, I became very self aware at an early age.

Soo the job ahead of me I have is mammoth….One I know I can smash and one I will embark on with passion and courage of conviction. On days like to day the ‘Clarity’ days, I know the above is true, My biggest human will be just fine, much like myself and I have not ruined her entire existence, it’s so hard to let my thoughts not go that far…… Unlike my parents, I will always acknowledge and apologise to my children, to the ones I love for my behaviour towards them and to my eldest especially and I will always promise to strive even harder to eradicate it from her life and the life of her children forever. Our family pattern will be broken forever. My littlest human, and the other little human I have recently and delightfully acquired (my beautiful new beaus daughter) will be just fine too – I’ll make mistakes no doubt, just like an addict, I expect I’ll relapse – difference is like I said at the beginning, I am one self aware mother fucker and I promised my kids and myself I will never ever give up on them or my life.

So not what I started writing about – I actually wanted to tell you what a fantastic, pretty manicky, but so genuinely happy kind of day I had today. Yeah, I had to take a valium to shut the fuck up and not perturb toooo many cunts….most peeps at the shops saw me as just fun…Home here, well yeah – WHAT DRUGS ARE YOU ON LADY!!??

Signed,

Optimistic but still bat shit scared Lola

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